If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
You Might Also Like
Sniffing the broccoli
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados