There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.