Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
You Might Also Like
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction