fly smarter, not harder
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There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Sunday
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
United Steaks of America
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair