The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Duolingo getting serious.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
You deplete me
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”