[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
went fishing caught a bass
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.