“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are