“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Current mood: Potato
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.