I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I WON A HAM TODAY
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”