Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
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I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO