HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
What in the hell is “disposable income”?