My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
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I have questions??
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.