Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
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Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??