Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
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Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”