Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
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You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
🤣🤣💀
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Bed should get ready for ME
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline