My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Kermit goes Blue.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
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🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy