*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?