*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
A roof is a house hat.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.