TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
We have a winner.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Cndnsd Mlk
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.