Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
You Might Also Like
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
some cats are just doing for fun!
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I’m having an out of money experience.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…