Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I’m not proud
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.