ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
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“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
plant them where lol
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.