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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I wish I could veto my bills.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors