I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
this could fix me
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!