My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
this has done me in for some reason
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.