I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”