Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
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Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
☠️☠️☠️
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés