When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Running from your problems is cardio .
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
i baked you a cake
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
January has been Januweary
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Butt weight. There’s more!
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.