You when you started twitter vs. you now.
You Might Also Like
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I think the cat got the dog high.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
smartest karate player in the world
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!