Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
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Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.