My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Cats are still liquid.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?