My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”