The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Lol
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.