i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
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Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead