Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
You Might Also Like
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.