Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Gods work.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
🤣🤣🤣
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes