Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Goat cheese is for herders.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.