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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
This is a sub tweet
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???