My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
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Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Ape together strong
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.