guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
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do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.