We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Sounds about right! 💯
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