Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.