[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
If I ignore life will it go away?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.