I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.