8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
You Might Also Like
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
A leaf blower, but for people.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
A wise man once said nothing.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.