The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
happy friday
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.