I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
You Might Also Like
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
me linking you to my twitter
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..