*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
You Might Also Like
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.