I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
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Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
This tree does a lot of weird exercises