[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”